SPECIAL DAY..

I’m going to try and get through this without shedding any tears. Today is a special day…It’s my twin boys 3rd birthday and they have no idea. Many of you who know me really well, know what I’m about to say. My twin boys have Autism…(ok, I’m crying already…)

I know I haven’t shared too much about my personal life on my blog with the exception of posting a few images of my three little ones every now and then. It’s not that I don’t want to share my personal life with all of you but the past two years of my life (and my photography life) have been about trying to figure out what went wrong with my boys and why they were not developing in the way that they should have been. I didn’t realize that Autism was a possible diagnosis until they were about 18 months old. Anytime I did mention my concerns to doctors, family or friends, I would always get the response “they’re fine, they look fine” or “they’re just boys and boys don’t develop as quick as girls do”. I know that these people meant well and nobody wants to say “Yes, there does look like there could be something wrong with them”. I guess in my heart, I always knew that my gut instinct was right from the beginning but hearing those comforting words made those feelings go away temporarily.

You have no idea how hard it is for me to say those words..my boys have Autism. I don’t want to say them and for so long, I didn’t. It breaks my heart that they don’t know that today is their “Special Day” and that the celebration we are having for them on Saturday is all for them. My heart literally hurts when I think about this too much. I know I should be grateful that they are healthy little boys who can play, laugh, and run until their little hearts content but I can’t help wanting more for them out of life. It’s what we all want for our children….to grow up, be successful and have a beautiful life of their own.

I want you to read a poem I read on a photographer’s blog (www.evelynlaws.com). This poem is called “Welcome to Holland” and was written by Emily Perl Kingsley. Here it is..

“I’m often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disablity – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this..

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, The Michelangelo David, The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland”.

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”But there’s been a change in flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there a while and you catch your breath, you look around….and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever , ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But….if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.”

I cried the first time I read this and still cry when I read it over again. It speaks the exact words of how I feel. I didn’t mean for this to be such a long post but I just couldn’t go without letting you all know that today is such a special day for my family and that I am so grateful and truly blessed that god gave us our precious Austin and Ethan. I can’t go without showing some pictures of them so here they are… and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my baby boys!

                                                                               This is Ethan….

                                                                                 this is Austin…

                                                                                           ~L